Thursday, October 22, 2009

A Trip to Irrationalland...

If there has at all been a day when I have felt completely hopeless here in Seattle, this is it...
In spite of my efforts to ignore my reality, it still manages to grind away at me. There is nothing short of a miracle that will get me the money I need to make rent. Unless I miraculously get a job that pays $10/hr and I work at least 28 hours in the coming week, I will not be able to pay my rent.
And my roommate will be pissed.
And I will look like an ars.
And the feeling of failure that is ever present in my life will once again have reason to mock me.

Things sounds so great. Really, I have nothing to complain about. My God is gracious, and provides me with so much. Only...I find it hard to trust Him with finding me a job. I want nothing more than to just say, "Here you go, Big Guy. I know you'll find me work." and then really believe the words coming out of my mouth. But sadly...its a lot harder to say it and mean it. Especially when the future of whether or not I have a place to live is in jeopardy.

Its discouraging when everywhere I go, I am just a little too late.
If I could recount every excuse for why businesses aren't hiring that I have heard in the last few weeks, I would have nearly a full page of BS.

I am almost to the point of begging. Getting down on my knees and begging for a job, any job...because, for as little self esteem as I have, I know that I could do a job well, I know that I would be a good addition to someone's pay roll.

If only they would hire me. Give me a chance.

Hopefully tomorrow Steve will call me with good news. Maybe Parsons is right...maybe Steve can become the first member of my "special sphere of influence", as I have dubbed it.

Or maybe not. Maybe the next thing you'll hear of me is that I'm going to a homeless shelter and will be eating my next meal out of the garbage. Maybe you won't hear anything because I'm selling my computer for the rent money.

Or maybe I'm just a little too melodramatic and need to calm down.