Sunday, January 31, 2010


Its been exactly two weeks since I last wrote. Anything. I have not sat down and written in fourteen days. How sad it is when I have no time to do what I love most.

I've fallen out of the habit of, as my English teachers always called it, "showing, not telling". I've forgotten how to tell a story...and write dry, empty words instead.

Come to think of it, my mind has been rather devoid of any meaningful thought as of late. Actually, it has been devoid of all thought completely. I asked myself what was on my mind, cocked my head and looked up toward the window...and couldn't find anything. Not a single thing. I suppose more than anything else...I just want to fall off the face of the planet for a little while. Shed my responsibilities like clothes on the way to the shower. Leave a little trail of chores and concerns and schedules and errands. I think in a little while, everything will calm down. In a bit, I'll have some time. Maybe I'll remember who I am and why I am here and what it looks like to actually be myself.
I'm tired of complaining when I know I don't have to, simply because those around me insist on doing it.
I'm tired of pretending that my humor is not as it is, simply because those around me are older and perhaps more "mature".
I'm tired of getting frustrated at others for minor infractions, simply because those around me insist on doing it.

I want to do things the way I want to do them, without fear of consequence. Because I know the way my heart works and the way my brain corresponds with it. It doesn't harbor resentment, it doesn't spread hate. I don't have bad intentions or ulterior motives. I simply want to help and to love and help others see who they are as well.
Too much time is spent dwelling in the shadows of people who are doing the exact same thing as me. Most people are searching for themselves, hoping to find it in someone else...but in the end, everyone ends up lost, wondering how it is they never found themselves, when all they needed was to stop...take a moment...and invert themselves.
Its here, I know it. Because I've found it before...and it was beautiful. The city is a big, big place, filled with lots of people. And they're a bit confusing and distracting sometimes, but I'll find it again.

Its just a matter of time.

Sunday, January 17, 2010


Sometimes I feel paralyzed...lying on the floor, eyes focused inward, surroundings blurred by an overwhelming lack of reason to focus on any of it.
Perhaps this most recent bout is the flower of deep rooted self-disgust. I am disgusted with me...then again, has there ever been a time when I was not? When I could take a step back, look myself up and down, and step back inside thinking, "yes. everything is alright with you."? Not that I can remember.
It is amazing how much and how little people can know about one another.

Friday, January 1, 2010


Yes. New Year. Happens every year. Right about the same time as the year before. And the year before that. And the year before that. And the year before that...
Every time the suffix of the millennium changes people get this notion that this year will be better than the last.
But they had the same expectation last year about this year. And in 2007 about 2008. And in 2006 about 2007.
Resolutions and unfounded optimism about the new year have completely stopped making sense to me. Resolutions, because we can hardly ever keep any of the ones we make. By the time the year ends, we've forgotten that we even made a resolution at all. Unfounded optimism, because it sets us up for failure. When we expect the year to be absolutely fantastic, it almost inevitably won't be.

Perhaps its negative. But realistically, I'm pretty sure all of this is...well...realistic.

This year will be another year, just like the year before it, and the year before that, and the year before that...Time will continue on as unshakably as ever, and the positives and negatives of the timeline will balance each other out once again.

Beautiful things will happen this year.
As will unfortunate things.

And it will be just another gorgeous, multi-faceted, addition to the pages of our lives.

The 3rd Annual Flushing of Something Down the Toilet

Standing above the toilet bowl, I held in my freshly showered palm a Ferraro Rocher chocolate, a pile of granola, an small rubber o-ring, a penny, and a small length of purple string.
I dropped each in, one at a time in the order I picked them up. Each let out a distinct and individual cry as it met with the water's surface, preparing to bid 2009 goodbye forever.
I saluted the bearers of 2009's memories as they disappeared in the swirl of toilet water...
"Goodbye 2009..." I said, sadly.

There it goes...
2009 is gone, and in its place arrives the freshly born babe of 2010. Good luck, kid.

profundus sententia ex cunabula.