Friday, February 12, 2010

Anxiety Fills The Mushroom's Empty Space

Okay...the mushroom problem has been solved for the time being. After several days spent in mental turmoil over the continuing growth of flora in my truck, I was able to find a fix for the situation. Some little device called "Dri-Z-Air" from the local Fred Meyer has provided me with least I hope so. Despite my slight annoyance at its ridiculous and painfully incorrect name, I am pleased with it thus far. By means unknown to me, it sucks the excess moisture from the air and deposits it into a small reservoir. The trick now is to keep it from spilling in my car, thus bringing me back to square one. Wish me luck.

Now I stand in my manfriend's "office", freshly showered and fatigued beyond belief, my brain working overtime to try and think the recent past through.
I feel like I need a vacation.
Work is dramatic. More so than it should be.
Money is a constant worry.
I should be reapplying for school soon, filling out the FAFSA, redoing scholarships, etc., etc....All the wonderful stuff I had so much fun with the first time around.

I suppose life can only be lived one day at a time. Tomorrow, my money may be gone, though I think I've saved up a bit. Tomorrow, my job may disappear, I may lose my apartment, and my truck may be totaled. Who knows. Maybe I'll be dead tomorrow.
I would rather these things not happen at all, but really...I'm not the boss am I?

I am beginning to understand now why people living in the city are largely so callus. Despite how nice I try to be, despite the good things I try to do for two or three people in a day, despite all the happiness I try to pour into the world...every time I walk down the street, all I see are grimaces and drunkards and crazies. People who couldn't change if they wanted to, people who could change but don't want to, and people who just don't give a damn. It really makes me wonder why I try at the end of the day. When I see all the same faces in my little neighborhood, and not one of them dares to recognize my face.
It would be nice for a period of time without so much stress...without worries and without voicemails to be returned.

I refuse to believe that this is what life is like. Call me naive, call me what you will, but life is more than this.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Habitats for Mushrooms...

Oh, its beginning to be a long life...I am a little closer to understanding the midlife crisis now. Realizing that every week is going to be the same is a little bit saddening...realizing that I will have one or two days off here and there with no real change is...disheartening.
Most of my current "crisis" is magnified by the fact that I found a mushroom growing in my car. A mushroom. WTF?! Mushrooms don't grow in cars. Its wrong. The more I think about it, the more unsettling it is. Every time I relive its discovery, I feel a little bit more disgusted. I hate fungus. Mushrooms outside are fine; pretty, in fact. Mushrooms in my truck...well, that's a different story entirely. Seriously, just knowing that mushrooms are the flowering part of a vast network of fungus is very, very disturbing. Then applying that knowledge to my CAR makes the whole thing...revolting. Simply revolting. There must be some gnarly chemical solution on the market that will kill every living cell of fungal matter in my truck and restore it to normalcy. I'm living in SEATTLE for crying out loud! If something like that doesn't exist, I'll make it exist. Because fungus WILL NOT eff with my car.
On a deeper level, this entire situation has resulted from a long-standing inability to accept the facts of any given problem and deal with them. I somehow believe that by simply turning a blind eye to an existing issue, it will go away. I am keenly aware of the fact that this logic makes no sense and makes matters worse. But I do it anyway.
When I got in my truck a week ago, I thought to myself, " truck smells a tad bit musty. There's the possibility that it could be growing some mold. That's not good...that's probably going to be hard to deal with....ugh." So I tucked that information away in my mind, parked my truck, and forgot about it until the present. Then, getting in my truck today to move it, my nostrils were greeted by the same lovely scent...only a little more pungent this time. Not really wanting to, but having to out of sheer necessity, I looked  over my shoulder and took a general survey of the back half of my cab. Little wonderful spots of mold were growing pretty much all over the place. The mats on the carpet, the back seat belt, the carpeting on the floor...pretty much everything. It wasn't terrible, but it was enough to make me want to cry a little. Mold is a stubborn S.O.B. and I just want it FREAKING DEAD. Dead and dead. Not growing all over the inside of my poor truck. The final straw was the mushroom. I pushed my seat forward so I could at least try and clear some of it up. As I was cleaning some spots off the carpet, I noticed a little orange round looking thing. At first I thought I had dropped some food. But upon looking closer I realized that it was not food at all.
"Is that...a freaking...mushroom?!" my brain asked in disbelief.
I poked it, prodded it, tried to pick it up. When I tried to pick it up, it split in half to reveal the inside of a FREAKING MUSHROOM.
At first...I laughed. And then, as I had to try and dig the remains out of my carpet, I wasn't really laughing so much anymore. I was beginning to realize what I mentioned above; that it is the flowering part of a large network of fungal matter. NO. NONONO! That's bloody disgusting.
Now every time I think about it, I kind of want to pass out. Fungus growing on things other than the ground and any kind of nasty disease are really the only things that sincerely provoke my gag reflex.

So, due to this mushroom thing, my reactions to minor situations are slightly heightened and therefore slightly more irrational. Small problems in my life are turning into immovable obstacles.
I just need some sleep. And some protein. And some fruit....yes, fruit.