Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Turning Point

It seems as though every time I sit down and place my fingers on this keyboard, all the thoughts that were previously settling in my head become so frightened by the prospect of being expressed that they scare themselves back into a frenzied cloud, like so many birds on the beach. Whatever important thing I had to say has completely eluded me, making this yet another post almost completely devoid of meaning.
A bit has come back to me. Irony?

Earlier, it dawned on my for the umpteenth time that I cannot pretend to really know anything. Especially someone as young as myself, having existed for a mere eighteen years, cannot expect to really understand anything in the world at all. Those older than myself generally have more valid insight, but even they do not really understand much of anything. The world changes too frequently to really draw any solid conclusions; our being is too infinite and incapable of understanding itself to actually grasp anything at all. And so the greatest truths of our history have come from men and women who observe the nature of man and our repeated behaviors. But there is such a small collection of predictable human traits that most of what we can solidly deduce about the human race has already been voiced.
And on a general scale, we are too busy in our own times and spheres of being to understand those few truths of human existence and apply them.

Of course, just because a thing is known does not make it manifest. For most truths of human existence go completely unrealized. And even when we have learned something about ourselves, we quickly forget our motivation and reason for change.


And so it is with my own life. I changed, putting faith in Christ instead of the world, and it was apparent to me the reason for my change. For a while, anyway. Now all I can do is recite the words in my head that used to spark such passion in me, only to find that the nothing in me moves. I watch sort of disembodied as I take slow, meandering steps away from Christ, following this daisy path to destruction.
The strange thing is, I know none of this can end well. I know I'm setting myself up for failure and defeat and rough times...but I can't seem to do anything to stop myself. I could, of course, I have the power over myself to control what I do...but it just never seems to happen.
The turning point evades me still and I'll be stuck here a while longer, I fear, before I'm able to feel the depth of my own self-destruction.

Monday, December 28, 2009


I am dog tired. Mentally, spiritually, and physically. Tired in every possible area of my being.

Mentally, I am exhausted perhaps simply because of the holiday season. Christmas began for me at work, where a massive line of people and drink orders filled the Tully's. Nonstop eight and a half hours of coffee-inspired mayhem. But a good feast and celebration with my best friend made Christmas worthwhile.
Generally, the holiday feels like one big excuse. The "holiday spirit" everyone talks about, where generosity and brotherly love are the focus of the season, should be something that happens everyday, not just one month out of  the year. It feels like one big opportunity for business owners to reach into the pockets of every last man, woman, and child, and a way to make you feel as though you've done something saintly, providing you with a feeling of purity meant to last until next Christmas season. I can't complain about the general overall improvement in people's spirits, but it would be nice if it was more than just a few weeks out of the year we could watch out for each other and smile like we mean it.

Spiritually, I am devastated beyond belief. I remember making a promise to myself, a promise that I was very good about keeping for the first month I lived here in Seattle. That promise was that I would be better than I had been in Incline. That I would seek God more fervently, that I would love Seattle and its people with all I had to give, that I would live simply and selflessly. For that first month, everything was going exactly as I had hoped. I was loving, living, smiling, and becoming more pure than I had felt in years.
However, much to my utter unsurprise, for every step I have taken forward, I have taken five back. In fact, I hardly make time for church anymore...I haven't done a good thing for anyone in weeks...and I've gone farther with a man before marriage than I had ever hoped I would. It absolutely floors me every time I think about how completely ludicrous this whole situation is. Everything. My life in general, my love life, my spiritual life...none of them work in coherence with the other, and I have forsaken the most important of them all...my Spirit. It must be in a coma somewhere deep inside my body, because there is a surprising lack of concern from within at the recklessness of my life in the past two months. There is too much existential haze floating around in my head, and too much thought crusting like hard water to the inside of my veins.
Its a slow death, and a happy one for now.....................................I'm just waiting for that panic to seize my lungs and suffocate my very existence.

Physically, I am at my body's end. Too little sleep, too much work and play and I can't keep up with myself. I would have slept at the manfriend's house again tonight, but I get very little sleep when I am with other people, and he has to wake up at the crack of seven. I intend on sleeping in before jiu jitsu.

Tomorrow...tomorrow will come and go, and I will be no better than I was the previous day, left wondering why on earth I allow these things to happen.

Wish me luck.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Christmas Potatoes...

Here we are, less than an hour away from the dawning of Christmas Eve and my best friend and I sit across the table from one another. She is drawing, I am writing, the crooning tunes of Muse provide the filler for the lack of conversation. The most surprising and completely understandable part of the whole situation is that we are able to sit here, having not seen each other for three months (an eternity by our standards) and be content without conversation. The simple fact that the other is close by provides comfort and satisfaction.
My only minor dissatisfaction with this portion of the holiday season is that I am not able to spend more time with my dearest friend. Of course, the one time that she comes to visit, I work five consecutive days. I suppose my biggest concern, though, is whether or not I can get the 26th off...if I can't, I won't be able to see her off when she boards her Greyhound for San Francisco.
Oh, its been too long since I wrote...there is so much floating around is this head of mine. It feels like a massive, slippery octopus, tentacles sliding purposefully across the walls of my skull in an attempt to find an exit. It seems I have finally unplugged my fingers from my ear holes, and the octopus has found its exit. Cascading down my shoulders and trickling onto my hands, it spills forth onto the keyboard in some sort of rapid cautionary exodus.
Thank goodness this octopus is a cheery one. My brain has been too happily fatigued to delve into the depths of gelatinous brainmatter and pull out the stringy noodles of important thought that hide at the bottom of all this inconsequential goo.

We have constructed a Christmas Potato. A Christmas tree would be too uncharacteristic of our characteristic weirdness, so, in light of that fact, we had to birth a Christmas Potato. More festive holiday creations are soon to follow.
Despite the lack of time actually spent with my best friend, this is the best way to celebrate my first Christmas away from "home".

What better company than that of my other half and the weird things that result in our being together?

Thursday, December 17, 2009


This is the first time in a while that I've been able to sit down at the table and just sit...I don't have anywhere to go, nothing to do...and goodness does it feel amazing. I have spent so much time in the last couple weeks doing things with people from work, jiu jitsu, and elsewhere that I have had no time just to simply sit.
My mind is numb and heavy like a large gelatinous fuzzball--much like a white lychee.
Sometime tomorrow or the next day, my dearest friend arrives in Seattle. We haven't seen each other since September...it seems like so much longer than it actually is. She will be staying through Christmas, and I am ridiculously excited about it! Great shenanigans will ensue.


There is so much to write about, so much to say...the general recounting of everyday life, and the underlying significance of it all. Perhaps too much to cover tonight.

But it never hurt to try.

Stories for next time:
My current relationship situation and how it relates to my faith.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Kindred Spirits

There is something deeply comforting in the thought that there are other people whose minds so closely resemble our own. Even hundreds of miles apart and through various modes of communication, the connection to those people is never lessened.
Oh, so many people...so many different people.
For the last couple days, the only subject my brain has really ingested has been--people. Specifically the way they get along with (or don't get along with) one another. For example; I love my coworkers to death--couldn't ask for a better set. But, quite often lately I feel like my sense of humor, my mannerisms, and theirs...don't quite fit together right. We are all able to tolerate and enjoy each other's company, but really won't ever be fast friends or even interact that regularly outside of work. Conversely, a fair share of my jiu jitsu classmates are people I can truly get along with. My sense of humor and mannerisms fit in pretty well there as far as I can tell...
What makes one person compatible with another? How much of a role do fear, pride and self-defense play in dictating what relationships one initiates? If we were all completely honest with one another, what would we have to say about the people we surround ourselves with?

I suppose it is nice every once in awhile to be that friend that people love talking to because they can't relate to anyone as well as they can to you.

Another good day, slightly on the up side of that neutral line. Maybe tomorrow will be worse, maybe better. Either way, I pray for more "revelation".

Sunday, December 6, 2009


Lately words have been a massive dilemma for me...I am stuck between wanting to write incredibly eloquent, long passages and only having the desire (and energy) to write concise, choppy paragraphs.
Whatever happens happens. Hopefully something mildly better than mediocre will come out of this...

I told myself I wouldn't, and here I am. In one line...one single line, I paved a vast stretch of my future. There has never been another time when I have so completely grasped the reality of one decision's consequences. Like standing at a fork in the road, and knowing full well what the outcomes of both paths will be...then choosing the one side just for the hell of it. And once it was said, once those first steps were taken, there was no way to undo any of it.

And now, here I am, laying on the floor, bewildered and completely unsurprised that I've ended up in this situation. God have mercy on me for being so stupid...so arrogant...so ridiculously aware and unable to control myself.

If everything falls apart, I can't say I'll be surprised. I weighed the pros and cons painstakingly and with much thought...then promptly threw them out the window and said "to hell with it. I'd rather see this all go up in flames than play out well."

Ha. After the acceptance of the fact I've screwed up again comes the ironic laughter. What can I do but laugh and throw my hands in the air as that train comes barreling down the tracks?

Friday, December 4, 2009

A Simple Post

Too many good things happening all at once.
Despite the impending emotional darkness that is winter, joy still prevails. Despite yesterday's heartrending feelings of being replaced and abandoned, I can still say...things have been well.

The overwhelming joy is almost too much to handle. I haven't felt so full in years. I can only pray that it is not a circumstantial joy, but a substantial joy. One that won't fade when things don't go the way I expect them too.

All I can do is thank God that I have a family who cares, friends who are good to me, and that I have everything I need and more. Thanks, Big Guy.

There is too much to say and my fingers are too excited to type it all. And, as I remembered so recently, the best thing to do...is praise my Father for all the undeserved gifts I have received...

Til next time.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


I inhale; short, adrenaline-tinged breaths, heart perched high in my chest and my face a worried mask.
Again, the foretelling of my downfall, the magnetic prediction and inescapable future...I see through the thin veil of the present, surrounded by images of a broken miracle. Bridges burned, misunderstanding budding like wretched weeds in the garden of good intention, ties severed and hearts marred.
My body knows...deep in the sinews and veins of my flesh, it is awake. Well aware of that vicious, silent beast, that livid and hungry giant, dripping with pestilence that calls itself my friend. It whispers to my skin, shadows over me and grasps my jaw, putrid lies snaking through my ears, breathed hot and wet from its lowly growling throat.
Beast, o beast! You tempt me so...make me believe that we are one, that you are I, and I am you, and we are one together.
But you have caused me nothing but pain! You took my friends and turned them into concubines, you took my confidantes and made them lustful pursuers. The damage you wreak is without boundary, and its effects everlasting. How many countless rivers of sweet milk have you turned sour? How many gardens turned to ashes?
Each time you twist my intentions, make me believe that I want more, that what I want is not trust but passion. O evil abomination, be gone from me!
I will be damned if I let you burn my Promised Land! Forty years have I walked in the desert, and forty years have I squandered. Now, finally, to be given a garden!
Were I a weaker being, I would fall to my knees and beg for mercy with clenched fists and a furrowed brow.
But I will not. Cowed, you will weep in a dark corner and hide your face from me! Subdued, you will gnash your teeth and snarl in hollow threat! Broken, you will prefer death to my wrath!

I have risen.

consummatum est.