Monday, December 28, 2009


I am dog tired. Mentally, spiritually, and physically. Tired in every possible area of my being.

Mentally, I am exhausted perhaps simply because of the holiday season. Christmas began for me at work, where a massive line of people and drink orders filled the Tully's. Nonstop eight and a half hours of coffee-inspired mayhem. But a good feast and celebration with my best friend made Christmas worthwhile.
Generally, the holiday feels like one big excuse. The "holiday spirit" everyone talks about, where generosity and brotherly love are the focus of the season, should be something that happens everyday, not just one month out of  the year. It feels like one big opportunity for business owners to reach into the pockets of every last man, woman, and child, and a way to make you feel as though you've done something saintly, providing you with a feeling of purity meant to last until next Christmas season. I can't complain about the general overall improvement in people's spirits, but it would be nice if it was more than just a few weeks out of the year we could watch out for each other and smile like we mean it.

Spiritually, I am devastated beyond belief. I remember making a promise to myself, a promise that I was very good about keeping for the first month I lived here in Seattle. That promise was that I would be better than I had been in Incline. That I would seek God more fervently, that I would love Seattle and its people with all I had to give, that I would live simply and selflessly. For that first month, everything was going exactly as I had hoped. I was loving, living, smiling, and becoming more pure than I had felt in years.
However, much to my utter unsurprise, for every step I have taken forward, I have taken five back. In fact, I hardly make time for church anymore...I haven't done a good thing for anyone in weeks...and I've gone farther with a man before marriage than I had ever hoped I would. It absolutely floors me every time I think about how completely ludicrous this whole situation is. Everything. My life in general, my love life, my spiritual life...none of them work in coherence with the other, and I have forsaken the most important of them Spirit. It must be in a coma somewhere deep inside my body, because there is a surprising lack of concern from within at the recklessness of my life in the past two months. There is too much existential haze floating around in my head, and too much thought crusting like hard water to the inside of my veins.
Its a slow death, and a happy one for now.....................................I'm just waiting for that panic to seize my lungs and suffocate my very existence.

Physically, I am at my body's end. Too little sleep, too much work and play and I can't keep up with myself. I would have slept at the manfriend's house again tonight, but I get very little sleep when I am with other people, and he has to wake up at the crack of seven. I intend on sleeping in before jiu jitsu.

Tomorrow...tomorrow will come and go, and I will be no better than I was the previous day, left wondering why on earth I allow these things to happen.

Wish me luck.

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