Friday, February 12, 2010

Anxiety Fills The Mushroom's Empty Space

Okay...the mushroom problem has been solved for the time being. After several days spent in mental turmoil over the continuing growth of flora in my truck, I was able to find a fix for the situation. Some little device called "Dri-Z-Air" from the local Fred Meyer has provided me with least I hope so. Despite my slight annoyance at its ridiculous and painfully incorrect name, I am pleased with it thus far. By means unknown to me, it sucks the excess moisture from the air and deposits it into a small reservoir. The trick now is to keep it from spilling in my car, thus bringing me back to square one. Wish me luck.

Now I stand in my manfriend's "office", freshly showered and fatigued beyond belief, my brain working overtime to try and think the recent past through.
I feel like I need a vacation.
Work is dramatic. More so than it should be.
Money is a constant worry.
I should be reapplying for school soon, filling out the FAFSA, redoing scholarships, etc., etc....All the wonderful stuff I had so much fun with the first time around.

I suppose life can only be lived one day at a time. Tomorrow, my money may be gone, though I think I've saved up a bit. Tomorrow, my job may disappear, I may lose my apartment, and my truck may be totaled. Who knows. Maybe I'll be dead tomorrow.
I would rather these things not happen at all, but really...I'm not the boss am I?

I am beginning to understand now why people living in the city are largely so callus. Despite how nice I try to be, despite the good things I try to do for two or three people in a day, despite all the happiness I try to pour into the world...every time I walk down the street, all I see are grimaces and drunkards and crazies. People who couldn't change if they wanted to, people who could change but don't want to, and people who just don't give a damn. It really makes me wonder why I try at the end of the day. When I see all the same faces in my little neighborhood, and not one of them dares to recognize my face.
It would be nice for a period of time without so much stress...without worries and without voicemails to be returned.

I refuse to believe that this is what life is like. Call me naive, call me what you will, but life is more than this.


  1. Oh Nauthiz cheer up, your still young and have your whole life to look forward to, at least your not bitter yet. and when you see that grimicing drunk old man limp by you in the morning, try to smile at him. You may be only only one he sees.
    remind me to remind you to dump the cup of water out of your truck tomorrow ,)

  2. hey lady, im homeless can you spare a cup of water? :D