Sunday, January 17, 2010


Sometimes I feel paralyzed...lying on the floor, eyes focused inward, surroundings blurred by an overwhelming lack of reason to focus on any of it.
Perhaps this most recent bout is the flower of deep rooted self-disgust. I am disgusted with me...then again, has there ever been a time when I was not? When I could take a step back, look myself up and down, and step back inside thinking, "yes. everything is alright with you."? Not that I can remember.
It is amazing how much and how little people can know about one another.


  1. My question:

    When are you going to change that thinking?

    Because it will only be changed with that specific conscious choice to do so.

  2. i can relate to that. but I get by thinking that it could be worse, then i try not to think anymore

  3. I was once disgusted by myself, then I met a girl who became a close friend that taught me I could be a force to be reckoned with and that gave me confidence. Confidence gives you power, power gives you confidence and absolute power gives you confidence absolutely!

    For years growing up I had been told by my older brother (1 year older) that I would always be a short skinny looser who would end up with a pathetic life. She taught me that the world would come rushing at me with the force of a tidal wave and I could either be swept away by it or make it go around me and let it sweep away others. Now I am a 6'4” 200 lb fortress, I still have the ups and downs in life that face everyone else but now I determine how these things will affect me and am no longer disgusted with myself. In fact I revel in all that is me. And it all started with someone who saw something in me that I didn't see in myself.

    I learned something important, the world loves conquerors and history is written by them. I have read your blogs, and they are witty, intellectual and it has given me pause to think about what I have been writing. I have no idea why you would be disgusted by yourself. You are actually one of the most fascinating writers I have seen on the web. Your blogs look deep into yourself for answers, mine look to blame others in anger and frustration. I see a deep compassion in what you write and what you write is the voice of a million people feeling the same way. You are the lost voice that I have never heard before or have chosen to ignore until now. This has made me think about myself, looking deep inside and what I find is not be very pretty, but I will accept it as me and put another stone on my fortress wall.

    The great Chinese General Sun Tzu born in 500 B.C. Said in “The art of war”:

    "Know the enemy and know yourself; in a hundred battles you will never be in peril. When you are ignorant of the enemy, but know yourself, your chances of winning or losing are equal. If ignorant both of your enemy and yourself, you are certain in every battle to be in peril."

    By the way get yourself a motto, every fortress has a first stone and that should be your motto. Mine is:

    “It's better to be in the show, than to be in the audience!”