Sunday, January 31, 2010


Its been exactly two weeks since I last wrote. Anything. I have not sat down and written in fourteen days. How sad it is when I have no time to do what I love most.

I've fallen out of the habit of, as my English teachers always called it, "showing, not telling". I've forgotten how to tell a story...and write dry, empty words instead.

Come to think of it, my mind has been rather devoid of any meaningful thought as of late. Actually, it has been devoid of all thought completely. I asked myself what was on my mind, cocked my head and looked up toward the window...and couldn't find anything. Not a single thing. I suppose more than anything else...I just want to fall off the face of the planet for a little while. Shed my responsibilities like clothes on the way to the shower. Leave a little trail of chores and concerns and schedules and errands. I think in a little while, everything will calm down. In a bit, I'll have some time. Maybe I'll remember who I am and why I am here and what it looks like to actually be myself.
I'm tired of complaining when I know I don't have to, simply because those around me insist on doing it.
I'm tired of pretending that my humor is not as it is, simply because those around me are older and perhaps more "mature".
I'm tired of getting frustrated at others for minor infractions, simply because those around me insist on doing it.

I want to do things the way I want to do them, without fear of consequence. Because I know the way my heart works and the way my brain corresponds with it. It doesn't harbor resentment, it doesn't spread hate. I don't have bad intentions or ulterior motives. I simply want to help and to love and help others see who they are as well.
Too much time is spent dwelling in the shadows of people who are doing the exact same thing as me. Most people are searching for themselves, hoping to find it in someone else...but in the end, everyone ends up lost, wondering how it is they never found themselves, when all they needed was to stop...take a moment...and invert themselves.
Its here, I know it. Because I've found it before...and it was beautiful. The city is a big, big place, filled with lots of people. And they're a bit confusing and distracting sometimes, but I'll find it again.

Its just a matter of time.

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