Sunday, March 14, 2010

The Past Is The Present Is The Future

I suppose that the pattern of life never can be learned...perhaps because it has no pattern. Life is so extremely unpredictable that no two scenarios will ever play out exactly the same. Several days before, my life was seemingly in mental and emotional shambles. Last night I fashioned a desperate entry concerning my relationship with Darren; how it is nearly inevitable that he will become bored with me and decide that I was a bad choice. I suppose much hasn't improved in that area, no thanks to my inherently self-deprecating nature.
But, an old friend wrote me yesterday night as well. I haven't heard from her in at least a year and last time we did, she was into some pretty bad stuff. So I was surprised to hear from her...partially surprised that she was still alive. Whenever we used to talk, I was excited that she still remembered me and called me a friend. But at the same time, there was always an underlying tone of sadness...I was scared for her and her life and where she would end up. Turns out that she is marrying her boyfriend of three years, moving to Hawaii, and starting life anew. Which makes me happy and nostalgic all at the same time.
Any time a friend contacts me from a previous era of my life, I can't help but remember the things we used to do when we were five, twelve, fourteen, etc.

So, it brings me relief from my own struggles to hear that she is doing well. And all I need now is a reprieve from my own head. I need to simply lay and think awhile about things unrelated to rent or my job or money completely. Though I have taken some very large steps backward, I think its not too late to save some face.

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