Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The Beast

Some days I get in my car and the strange sensation that this life is not actually happening washes over me, and just for a moment my perception of myself and everything around me is radically altered. Everything that I have ever done or have thought about doing is stripped of its value, and in the very same moment all things are possible. As if the thought of an action would be enough to bring it into existence. And in the same vein, the doubt of existence would be enough to unmake me.
Some days its hard to believe that this life is "mine". I see with increasing clarity why it is often asked how one ended up where they are. Time is a thing perceived as quantifiable; It is unchangeable, therefore I can measure it and measure by it. However, the tables are most undoubtedly turned. Time is a man who laughs at our false grasp of him and all his vastness, who quantifies and measures us by our unchanging nature and ceaseless folly.
How arrogant a race are we, to think that time is in our hands, and we control our own lives!
To think that any aspect of one's existence is solely in their own hands is asinine.

Tonight it is not time that has me reeling, but change once again. Change is back to force me to do the things I need to do, but do not feel prepared to do. A new job may be in order tomorrow, as the odds of me getting fired are high. And even if I end up keeping my job, I will still need a second job to make ends meet. Though the Jiu Jitsu Pan-Ams are coming soon and the vacation is much needed.

So, for tonight, I exhale and surrender my worries for tomorrow is another day and all things are possible. A Wednesday is a perfect day for a new beginning.

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