I am amazed...until today, I hadn't fully realized just how jaded I am. I have so far removed myself from everything that I am no longer even connected to myself.
An emotional artery was severed somewhere in the past two years. And just now I realized how devoid of passion and life I have become.
Nothing I say invokes movement in people. No advice I give is really relevant. In some ways, I am so self-absorbed that nothing I do really is of any help to anyone.
When did this happen? I recall being so much more useful at one point...I recall actually providing a service to those around me, and being more concerned about their wellbeing than about my own. This is the way my life still should be.
That ever complex battle between confidence and selflessness rages beneath my skin...and while confidence is winning, selflessness is withering in the dark. This is not the way I wanted it to be.
I never intended to become so detached...
I have not felt true passion in over a year. I have not felt courage or conviction or strength for equally as long. Now everything I do lacks meaning and comes out empty and dry...I feel like a puppet playing myself.
There is nothing in this world worth doing that won't stir the soul to move. Whether it is a move to action or a move to rest, if the soul is not shifting, then something is missing...
My coworker read me some of her spoken word poetry tonight, and for the first time in over a year...I felt that I could be better. I felt PASSION and CONVICTION and importance in my words.
I HAVE A VOICE.
From this point forward I am exercising my emotions and FEELING what it is like to do things again.