Here I am. Lying in my own bed for the first time in months. And sadly, it is not by my own choice.
I am such an ass...
One small lie...that turned out to be bigger than I thought it would be, has left me heavy hearted tonight, sitting sleepless and worried about the future. If I am to learn anything from tonight, it is that lying has never helped me.
For some reason rooted deep within my subconscious, I felt that for a split second it would be a good idea not to tell the truth. In the past I have had similar problems. But now I can't keep myself together enough to even tell a lie. Because I already know that the truth is the better route and there is no reason why I should not go that route.
And tonight is yet another testament to that logic. I lied through my teeth on the way out the door, already knowing as the words were coming out of my mouth that it was wrong, wrong, wrong. And then I disappeared for 75 minutes, only to come back and know that I had no other choice but to tell the truth.
The first words out of my mouth were, "I have something to tell you...but you have to promise not to get mad."
And then I took a moment to consider that statement...Knowing what words were going to follow that statement, there was no way I could make him promise not to get angry.
So I followed with a quick, "Nevermind, I can't make you promise that."
And I had hoped, oh I had hoped, that he would not react badly...but he did. The irritated pacing and exhales of disbelief radiating from a man who has just discovered an awful truth make the stomach turn sour.
My only qualm now is that I didn't do anything wrong. Aside from my unnecessary and reckless lie, I did nothing. My actions were carried out with good intentions...and the only part where I screwed up is when I decided not to be straightforward.
I have such a wonderful man...he has been so gracious and tender to me, so supportive and genuine. He takes better care of me than any other man I could hope to meet. He gives me perspective on my own life and mind, which few people can do.
And I messed it up. The damage done tonight is irreparable, and all I can do is wait. The ball is in his court, and I can do nothing but try to sleep and hope that he finds it in himself to forgive me.
Please, God...don't let me ruin this.