The world is full of beautiful people. Or so we perceive. Beautiful faces sprawl across sides of buildings and beautiful bodies lounge on billboards, looking down at the rest of us with that better-than-thou look of superiority. Beautiful people even exist in the flesh, walking down the street, ordering coffee in front of us, sitting across from us on the bus, etc.
Those of us who do not possess the natural (or even feigned) beauty of these individuals feel inadequate. There is such pain and want in the looks of those people who read the magazines filled with the "beautiful" people, and for what reason?
I know I feel inadequate. Not so much compared to the people I see in the magazines, movies, and billboards, but compared to the beautiful people I see walking down the street. The men I know champion these beautiful women as something particularly special, as if the rest of us are some secondary class of woman.
In order to quell these deep feelings of inadequacy, we tell ourselves that these women must not be as funny as we are, or not as intelligent as we are, but when a beautiful women shows up who is everything we are except better, it scares the living hell out of us.
Most times, I feel like I have a limited number of things going for me. I'm not the prettiest, the nicest, the most talented, or the most fun. I'm pretty run of the mill; there aren't any defining parts of my character that make me special.
So when a beautiful person comes along who is funnier, smarter, and nicer than I am, I become immediately secondary.
At this point, I'm wondering why I care. In some ways, I know why. I am not where I should be at this point in life. I am a child surrounded by working professionals; people who, for all intents and purposes, have everything figured out.
And right now, I have nothing figured out. Not a single thing. I feel utterly and completely lost, totally unsatisfied with my life, and confused beyond belief. What is the next step from here? Where am I going? How do I start?
I know myself well enough to know that my most immediate reaction to this overwhelming wave of reminders is depression; I want to lay down and not get up. I want to hide, be forgotten, and fall apart. For the past two days, I've been doing a mediocre job of avoiding this. I've managed to do a few things and stay in a relatively good mood (not without the help of a wonderful boyfriend).
But as I head back to another week of work, I can't help but wonder why I'm doing everything I'm doing. My life is devoid of any meaning or purpose at this point, and it is devastating.
Some large life change is imminent. I don't know what that means exactly, or what it entails, but something has to move forward. Not just change, but change for the better, change in the forward direction. Otherwise I will fall apart.
I am teetering on the edge of a very vast and bottomless chasm, debating the pros and cons of simply falling off.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
New Habits Are Hard To Form...
Habits are difficult, all around. Old ones are hard to break, new ones hard to form. The easy ones are the ones you don't need, and the hard ones are the habits that'll change your life.
A long standing habit of mine is doing everything according to the "all or nothing" philosophy. Do it all, or not at all; accomplish everything now, or wait until you can. Unfortunately, this has never worked out nearly as well as I would have liked, and often causes more problems than it alleviates. I remember times (a lot of times) when my parents were totally dumbfounded by my antics; instead of writing part of my paper and getting partial credit, I would write part of my paper and turn none of it in, because I was going to give them a whole paper or no paper at all. Stupid? Yes. But it made sense in my head.
Finally, after so many years of being totally aware of this problem, but postponing the date of fixing it (hurray for procrastination being another favorite pastime of mine) I am addressing it. Everything in my life is piling up because I want to start it and finish it in one fell swoop, rather than spreading it out across several days, weeks, and so on. Thus far, this logic has prevented me from starting two (possibly more) books, sewing the tablecloths at work (I've been avoiding that one for a good month now), getting my driver's license, registering to vote, and an alarmingly large amount of other things.
So. It is time to adjust my behavior. I must start doing little things, little chunks of things in the hopes of actually finishing something in a timely manner. I don't know where this habit came from, or what subconscious experiences it is tied to, but I do know that it needs to change.
Thus far, as anticipated, my new method of operating my life has worked out well. I started one of those books. I started a return on a shipment of herbs that, even though I can't finish it today, is now partially done so that when I come in on Saturday, I will not have to do all the work. Huzzah for improvement.
And instead of thinking up more things to say, as I usually want to, I'm going to leave it at this.
Its a horribly boring "update" for all of you who still read on occasion, but thank you anyway.
A long standing habit of mine is doing everything according to the "all or nothing" philosophy. Do it all, or not at all; accomplish everything now, or wait until you can. Unfortunately, this has never worked out nearly as well as I would have liked, and often causes more problems than it alleviates. I remember times (a lot of times) when my parents were totally dumbfounded by my antics; instead of writing part of my paper and getting partial credit, I would write part of my paper and turn none of it in, because I was going to give them a whole paper or no paper at all. Stupid? Yes. But it made sense in my head.
Finally, after so many years of being totally aware of this problem, but postponing the date of fixing it (hurray for procrastination being another favorite pastime of mine) I am addressing it. Everything in my life is piling up because I want to start it and finish it in one fell swoop, rather than spreading it out across several days, weeks, and so on. Thus far, this logic has prevented me from starting two (possibly more) books, sewing the tablecloths at work (I've been avoiding that one for a good month now), getting my driver's license, registering to vote, and an alarmingly large amount of other things.
So. It is time to adjust my behavior. I must start doing little things, little chunks of things in the hopes of actually finishing something in a timely manner. I don't know where this habit came from, or what subconscious experiences it is tied to, but I do know that it needs to change.
Thus far, as anticipated, my new method of operating my life has worked out well. I started one of those books. I started a return on a shipment of herbs that, even though I can't finish it today, is now partially done so that when I come in on Saturday, I will not have to do all the work. Huzzah for improvement.
And instead of thinking up more things to say, as I usually want to, I'm going to leave it at this.
Its a horribly boring "update" for all of you who still read on occasion, but thank you anyway.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
The Passage of Time (10/5/10)
The passage of time dulls the pain and bitterness felt in the worst days of one's life. Rage turns to minor annoyance and crushing grief becomes nothing more than a saddening memory. In the midst of those days though, the height and intensity of one's emotions are such that we cannot imagine a time when we will not feel as strongly. But with each passing day another coin is moved on the scale of reason until finally balance is reached. Then, days or weeks or years down the road, those most distressing and angering of moments become just another piece of the puzzle. However, one can seldom cope and understand while still experiencing those things which they despise. It is only the fact that those things lie in the past that provides solace. Knowing that those experiences will never have to be repeated allows one to place them in the back of their mind, where they have little chance of stirring the bearer's mind.
It is an unfortunate scenario though, when those bad memories are given the chance to resurface, fleshed out with all their orginal intensity.
It is times like these, when I hoped to God that everything would work out and I wouldn't have to put up with this same crap again, that I remember why I left as soon as I did. Over the course of a year I had forgotten how absolutely painful these interactions were, and I let myself believe that they had never been quite as bad as I had thought. Yet here I am an entire year later, and we still get along no better than we did before. Still, every word he says makes me want to pull out my hair and scream in anger. I didn't even know it was possible to get along so poorly with any one person until now. I am not perfect, but I find it hard to believe that my behavior is worthy of such treatment...
The hardest part is that nothing can be done. I am in the same position as I was one year ago and every year before that since I was 5. Helpless and controlled, forced to respond well to the only voice that makes me feel such anger. I don't want to have this kind of relationship, but again I am reminded that it can be no other way because regardless of the effort I put forth I am rewarded with chastisement.
I have had about all I can stand and I know that I have not even received the worst of it yet.
It is an unfortunate scenario though, when those bad memories are given the chance to resurface, fleshed out with all their orginal intensity.
It is times like these, when I hoped to God that everything would work out and I wouldn't have to put up with this same crap again, that I remember why I left as soon as I did. Over the course of a year I had forgotten how absolutely painful these interactions were, and I let myself believe that they had never been quite as bad as I had thought. Yet here I am an entire year later, and we still get along no better than we did before. Still, every word he says makes me want to pull out my hair and scream in anger. I didn't even know it was possible to get along so poorly with any one person until now. I am not perfect, but I find it hard to believe that my behavior is worthy of such treatment...
The hardest part is that nothing can be done. I am in the same position as I was one year ago and every year before that since I was 5. Helpless and controlled, forced to respond well to the only voice that makes me feel such anger. I don't want to have this kind of relationship, but again I am reminded that it can be no other way because regardless of the effort I put forth I am rewarded with chastisement.
I have had about all I can stand and I know that I have not even received the worst of it yet.
The Body and The Mind
As I watched for the umpteenth time the graceful bodies grappling, each struggling for dominance in a passionate dance of power and will, I could not help but admire it all; the sweat, the blood, the love and addiction that is each man's jiu jitsu. These men, all of them strong and able-bodied, seemed to do so well against one another. Regardless of skill, their inherent drive to be the better opponent, to be the victor, to demonstrate their ability, provided each man with a certain vigor that transformed each roll from a game to a contest.
Over the past several weeks I have felt as though my own game was going nowhere. I felt that I was missing something, some understanding or key piece of information that would fix all of my problems. I was expecting the answer to emerge from my game; I needed to properly understand some principle of jiu jitsu in order to pull out all the stops. However, while watching these men roll tonight, it clicked. It is not a physical dilemma, but a mental one. Several months ago I identified a lack of aggression in my game. There was no fierceness, no drive, no reason to win. But the solution was not simply to be more aggressive.
The mind is responsible for many of our greatest feats, though we often overlook it and thank our bodies for performing well instead. Our mentality has a great deal to do with the level of our accomplishments; hopelessness produces inadequacy, indifference produces mediocrity, and ample faith produces greatness.
The best example I can give is that of climbing. Climbing involves a certain amount of physical commitment but is very much a mental sport. Sometimes the only difference between reaching a hold and failure is your state of mind. We always called it "psyching up" when I was growing up, that small moment of time where you tell yourself you've got it, take a deep breath, and heave your body towards that same hold you failed to reach seven times before.
Most times we let our bodies take complete responsibility for their own performance. The more I think on it and the more I experiment with my own frame of mind, the more I find that this is wrong. Our bodies are only capable of so much by themselves. After a certain point, they need help to reach their greatest potential.
Over the past several weeks I have felt as though my own game was going nowhere. I felt that I was missing something, some understanding or key piece of information that would fix all of my problems. I was expecting the answer to emerge from my game; I needed to properly understand some principle of jiu jitsu in order to pull out all the stops. However, while watching these men roll tonight, it clicked. It is not a physical dilemma, but a mental one. Several months ago I identified a lack of aggression in my game. There was no fierceness, no drive, no reason to win. But the solution was not simply to be more aggressive.
The mind is responsible for many of our greatest feats, though we often overlook it and thank our bodies for performing well instead. Our mentality has a great deal to do with the level of our accomplishments; hopelessness produces inadequacy, indifference produces mediocrity, and ample faith produces greatness.
The best example I can give is that of climbing. Climbing involves a certain amount of physical commitment but is very much a mental sport. Sometimes the only difference between reaching a hold and failure is your state of mind. We always called it "psyching up" when I was growing up, that small moment of time where you tell yourself you've got it, take a deep breath, and heave your body towards that same hold you failed to reach seven times before.
Most times we let our bodies take complete responsibility for their own performance. The more I think on it and the more I experiment with my own frame of mind, the more I find that this is wrong. Our bodies are only capable of so much by themselves. After a certain point, they need help to reach their greatest potential.
Friday, September 24, 2010
9/24/10
Tomorrow marks the beginning of yet another stretch of incredibly long days. In some strange way, it is enjoyable. I would like to think that working so much gives me a sense of purpose, but it doesn't. Really, its just an impressive way to use all my time.
Climbing was a good choice. I have been trying to go climbing for months now, but things always come up for either me or my partner and we end up cancelling. Finally, I had a few hours of free time and the only worthwhile thing I could come up with to spend it on was climbing. My arms are tired, my brain is at ease, and my eyes feel heavy. Nothing puts me in a more perfect state of rest than climbing. I may not be the best, I may not even be that great, but I climb nonetheless.
The act of climbing forces me to focus only on what is in front of me - where to place my foot, the best way to reach that next hand hold - and allows my mind to relax. But good company multiplies those effects. To laugh and climb and enjoy those few hours of simple good times is priceless.
While we were climbing, I couldn't help but remember how seemingly pointless it is on the surface. If you take climbing at face value, what you get is a bunch of people shimmying up a wall simply to reach the top. That's it. Its not like we do anything once we get up there. You touch the top, you come back down, you go somewhere else and do it all again. There is a physical and mental challenge in climbing, as with any sport. But really, once you have conquered that route and reached the top, what was the point?
Of course, this is looking at the skin of climbing. Underneath (again, as with most things) is the real value, the real point as to why anyone climbs.
For me, I realized that one of the important things in climbing is relationship. When you climb, you interact with your partner and/or group, often talking and laughing and getting to know one another. Other things are the same. Sometimes the action itself seems devoid of value, but in reality it presents an opportunity to get closer to people, and also to challenge oneself; to prove that you are capable of physical and mental feats beyond what you thought you could achieve.
Climbing is a little bit of those for me. Mostly it just helps me to forget about my life for a moment and do something I can do...climb some rock.
Climbing was a good choice. I have been trying to go climbing for months now, but things always come up for either me or my partner and we end up cancelling. Finally, I had a few hours of free time and the only worthwhile thing I could come up with to spend it on was climbing. My arms are tired, my brain is at ease, and my eyes feel heavy. Nothing puts me in a more perfect state of rest than climbing. I may not be the best, I may not even be that great, but I climb nonetheless.
The act of climbing forces me to focus only on what is in front of me - where to place my foot, the best way to reach that next hand hold - and allows my mind to relax. But good company multiplies those effects. To laugh and climb and enjoy those few hours of simple good times is priceless.
While we were climbing, I couldn't help but remember how seemingly pointless it is on the surface. If you take climbing at face value, what you get is a bunch of people shimmying up a wall simply to reach the top. That's it. Its not like we do anything once we get up there. You touch the top, you come back down, you go somewhere else and do it all again. There is a physical and mental challenge in climbing, as with any sport. But really, once you have conquered that route and reached the top, what was the point?
Of course, this is looking at the skin of climbing. Underneath (again, as with most things) is the real value, the real point as to why anyone climbs.
For me, I realized that one of the important things in climbing is relationship. When you climb, you interact with your partner and/or group, often talking and laughing and getting to know one another. Other things are the same. Sometimes the action itself seems devoid of value, but in reality it presents an opportunity to get closer to people, and also to challenge oneself; to prove that you are capable of physical and mental feats beyond what you thought you could achieve.
Climbing is a little bit of those for me. Mostly it just helps me to forget about my life for a moment and do something I can do...climb some rock.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Quitting
I was hoping it would be easier than this. Quitting my job was rough. I had imagined that I would be nervous until the deed was done and then an immense weight would be lifted from my shoulders.
Instead I am left to wonder whether or not I did the right thing...I haven't felt this bad since Darren and I were on the rocks. The job itself is something I could live without. It was fun and I liked making coffee, but I could do other things. The thing that makes my stomach churn is leaving all of my coworkers behind...Amanda told me that I am her favorite and her "go-to" girl. I believe her. We are already short one person, and now because of me, its two. I wish desperately that I could work the two jobs and call it good, but it isn't a reality.
Amanda is going to give me massive amounts of crap for the next few days for quitting. I know this. But its okay. She's even going to get hammered on my behalf tonight...which makes me feel even worse.
Dammit I wish this was easier...
I just hope and pray that this new job is everything I need it to be for me to justify leaving.
Instead I am left to wonder whether or not I did the right thing...I haven't felt this bad since Darren and I were on the rocks. The job itself is something I could live without. It was fun and I liked making coffee, but I could do other things. The thing that makes my stomach churn is leaving all of my coworkers behind...Amanda told me that I am her favorite and her "go-to" girl. I believe her. We are already short one person, and now because of me, its two. I wish desperately that I could work the two jobs and call it good, but it isn't a reality.
Amanda is going to give me massive amounts of crap for the next few days for quitting. I know this. But its okay. She's even going to get hammered on my behalf tonight...which makes me feel even worse.
Dammit I wish this was easier...
I just hope and pray that this new job is everything I need it to be for me to justify leaving.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
My Life in Review
For the first time, I understand why we were told to outline and brainstorm before writing essays. I'd like to think that when my life becomes busy, my brain organizes everything, whips it into a single file line and keeps it all in check. Unfortunately, I know that that is not the case. Instead, my head becomes like a bowl of rice noodles, sticky and utterly inseparable. All the ideas, thoughts, complications, and tasks pile onto one another and fight for air like so many fish in too small a pond.
So as I sat down to write several nights ago and not a single thing made its way to paper, I gave in. Fine Mr. Parsons...you win.
Forefront on my mind these last few days is simply the unexpected.
Almost a full year ago, I moved to Seattle. I had my heart set on working at a tea house or coffee shop, because it was something I had never done and seemed to be something I might enjoy. I gave my resume to several tea houses in the area, one being Teahouse Kuan Yin. The owner called me a week later and told me he was impressed with my cover letter and would love to have me on staff, but he had just hired two new employees. I continued my job search, ultimately ending up with my current job as a barista at Tully's. I mostly forgot about Teahouse Kuan Yin and moved on.
Almost four days ago, I received a phone call. It was the owner of Teahouse Kuan Yin, Marcus. At first I thought there was no way he would be calling me. There was no reason at all for it. But I answered the phone and it was him. Asking me if I was still looking for work. I said yes (which was a lie, because I already have more than I can handle), because if this could really work, I wanted it.
We scheduled an interview and he hired me no more than twenty minutes later. My first training shift was today. My second is tomorrow. I have two more on Thursday and Friday. If all goes well, I will be closing alone on Saturday.
When was it ever this easy? When does a year old resume ever land anyone the job they want? When does showing up to an interview and not trying get anyone a dollar an hour raise? Thus far, I am still shocked that things have unfolded the way they have.
I thought that I would be able to keep my job at Tully's and fit in some extra shifts here and there at Kuan Yin. Unfortunately, within a day it was clear that I was going to have to make a choice. Teahouse Kuan Yin or Tully's?
This is my dilemma: Tully's is short staffed as it is, and I know I am more valuable now than I have ever been there. It is a good job and I like all of my coworkers...but do I pass up this long awaited opportunity in the name of courtesy, or stay at Tully's simply to keep everyone else from suffering the loss of another employee?
After several days of tossing that thought around, and after my first day of training at Kuan Yin, the choice seems clear. Although it will be difficult to deliver the news to my manager, it would be a shame to waste my chance at the teahouse in the name of politeness.
This is a new chance to prove myself as capable and willing. It is difficult for me to develop a sense of self after so many years as a people pleaser, but now is as good a time as any. The door is wide open. I have to rise to the challenge.
Wish me luck.
(P.S. Thanks for keeping me accountable, Griff.)
So as I sat down to write several nights ago and not a single thing made its way to paper, I gave in. Fine Mr. Parsons...you win.
Forefront on my mind these last few days is simply the unexpected.
Almost a full year ago, I moved to Seattle. I had my heart set on working at a tea house or coffee shop, because it was something I had never done and seemed to be something I might enjoy. I gave my resume to several tea houses in the area, one being Teahouse Kuan Yin. The owner called me a week later and told me he was impressed with my cover letter and would love to have me on staff, but he had just hired two new employees. I continued my job search, ultimately ending up with my current job as a barista at Tully's. I mostly forgot about Teahouse Kuan Yin and moved on.
Almost four days ago, I received a phone call. It was the owner of Teahouse Kuan Yin, Marcus. At first I thought there was no way he would be calling me. There was no reason at all for it. But I answered the phone and it was him. Asking me if I was still looking for work. I said yes (which was a lie, because I already have more than I can handle), because if this could really work, I wanted it.
We scheduled an interview and he hired me no more than twenty minutes later. My first training shift was today. My second is tomorrow. I have two more on Thursday and Friday. If all goes well, I will be closing alone on Saturday.
When was it ever this easy? When does a year old resume ever land anyone the job they want? When does showing up to an interview and not trying get anyone a dollar an hour raise? Thus far, I am still shocked that things have unfolded the way they have.
I thought that I would be able to keep my job at Tully's and fit in some extra shifts here and there at Kuan Yin. Unfortunately, within a day it was clear that I was going to have to make a choice. Teahouse Kuan Yin or Tully's?
This is my dilemma: Tully's is short staffed as it is, and I know I am more valuable now than I have ever been there. It is a good job and I like all of my coworkers...but do I pass up this long awaited opportunity in the name of courtesy, or stay at Tully's simply to keep everyone else from suffering the loss of another employee?
After several days of tossing that thought around, and after my first day of training at Kuan Yin, the choice seems clear. Although it will be difficult to deliver the news to my manager, it would be a shame to waste my chance at the teahouse in the name of politeness.
This is a new chance to prove myself as capable and willing. It is difficult for me to develop a sense of self after so many years as a people pleaser, but now is as good a time as any. The door is wide open. I have to rise to the challenge.
Wish me luck.
(P.S. Thanks for keeping me accountable, Griff.)
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