As I watched for the umpteenth time the graceful bodies grappling, each struggling for dominance in a passionate dance of power and will, I could not help but admire it all; the sweat, the blood, the love and addiction that is each man's jiu jitsu. These men, all of them strong and able-bodied, seemed to do so well against one another. Regardless of skill, their inherent drive to be the better opponent, to be the victor, to demonstrate their ability, provided each man with a certain vigor that transformed each roll from a game to a contest.
Over the past several weeks I have felt as though my own game was going nowhere. I felt that I was missing something, some understanding or key piece of information that would fix all of my problems. I was expecting the answer to emerge from my game; I needed to properly understand some principle of jiu jitsu in order to pull out all the stops. However, while watching these men roll tonight, it clicked. It is not a physical dilemma, but a mental one. Several months ago I identified a lack of aggression in my game. There was no fierceness, no drive, no reason to win. But the solution was not simply to be more aggressive.
The mind is responsible for many of our greatest feats, though we often overlook it and thank our bodies for performing well instead. Our mentality has a great deal to do with the level of our accomplishments; hopelessness produces inadequacy, indifference produces mediocrity, and ample faith produces greatness.
The best example I can give is that of climbing. Climbing involves a certain amount of physical commitment but is very much a mental sport. Sometimes the only difference between reaching a hold and failure is your state of mind. We always called it "psyching up" when I was growing up, that small moment of time where you tell yourself you've got it, take a deep breath, and heave your body towards that same hold you failed to reach seven times before.
Most times we let our bodies take complete responsibility for their own performance. The more I think on it and the more I experiment with my own frame of mind, the more I find that this is wrong. Our bodies are only capable of so much by themselves. After a certain point, they need help to reach their greatest potential.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
9/24/10
Tomorrow marks the beginning of yet another stretch of incredibly long days. In some strange way, it is enjoyable. I would like to think that working so much gives me a sense of purpose, but it doesn't. Really, its just an impressive way to use all my time.
Climbing was a good choice. I have been trying to go climbing for months now, but things always come up for either me or my partner and we end up cancelling. Finally, I had a few hours of free time and the only worthwhile thing I could come up with to spend it on was climbing. My arms are tired, my brain is at ease, and my eyes feel heavy. Nothing puts me in a more perfect state of rest than climbing. I may not be the best, I may not even be that great, but I climb nonetheless.
The act of climbing forces me to focus only on what is in front of me - where to place my foot, the best way to reach that next hand hold - and allows my mind to relax. But good company multiplies those effects. To laugh and climb and enjoy those few hours of simple good times is priceless.
While we were climbing, I couldn't help but remember how seemingly pointless it is on the surface. If you take climbing at face value, what you get is a bunch of people shimmying up a wall simply to reach the top. That's it. Its not like we do anything once we get up there. You touch the top, you come back down, you go somewhere else and do it all again. There is a physical and mental challenge in climbing, as with any sport. But really, once you have conquered that route and reached the top, what was the point?
Of course, this is looking at the skin of climbing. Underneath (again, as with most things) is the real value, the real point as to why anyone climbs.
For me, I realized that one of the important things in climbing is relationship. When you climb, you interact with your partner and/or group, often talking and laughing and getting to know one another. Other things are the same. Sometimes the action itself seems devoid of value, but in reality it presents an opportunity to get closer to people, and also to challenge oneself; to prove that you are capable of physical and mental feats beyond what you thought you could achieve.
Climbing is a little bit of those for me. Mostly it just helps me to forget about my life for a moment and do something I can do...climb some rock.
Climbing was a good choice. I have been trying to go climbing for months now, but things always come up for either me or my partner and we end up cancelling. Finally, I had a few hours of free time and the only worthwhile thing I could come up with to spend it on was climbing. My arms are tired, my brain is at ease, and my eyes feel heavy. Nothing puts me in a more perfect state of rest than climbing. I may not be the best, I may not even be that great, but I climb nonetheless.
The act of climbing forces me to focus only on what is in front of me - where to place my foot, the best way to reach that next hand hold - and allows my mind to relax. But good company multiplies those effects. To laugh and climb and enjoy those few hours of simple good times is priceless.
While we were climbing, I couldn't help but remember how seemingly pointless it is on the surface. If you take climbing at face value, what you get is a bunch of people shimmying up a wall simply to reach the top. That's it. Its not like we do anything once we get up there. You touch the top, you come back down, you go somewhere else and do it all again. There is a physical and mental challenge in climbing, as with any sport. But really, once you have conquered that route and reached the top, what was the point?
Of course, this is looking at the skin of climbing. Underneath (again, as with most things) is the real value, the real point as to why anyone climbs.
For me, I realized that one of the important things in climbing is relationship. When you climb, you interact with your partner and/or group, often talking and laughing and getting to know one another. Other things are the same. Sometimes the action itself seems devoid of value, but in reality it presents an opportunity to get closer to people, and also to challenge oneself; to prove that you are capable of physical and mental feats beyond what you thought you could achieve.
Climbing is a little bit of those for me. Mostly it just helps me to forget about my life for a moment and do something I can do...climb some rock.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Quitting
I was hoping it would be easier than this. Quitting my job was rough. I had imagined that I would be nervous until the deed was done and then an immense weight would be lifted from my shoulders.
Instead I am left to wonder whether or not I did the right thing...I haven't felt this bad since Darren and I were on the rocks. The job itself is something I could live without. It was fun and I liked making coffee, but I could do other things. The thing that makes my stomach churn is leaving all of my coworkers behind...Amanda told me that I am her favorite and her "go-to" girl. I believe her. We are already short one person, and now because of me, its two. I wish desperately that I could work the two jobs and call it good, but it isn't a reality.
Amanda is going to give me massive amounts of crap for the next few days for quitting. I know this. But its okay. She's even going to get hammered on my behalf tonight...which makes me feel even worse.
Dammit I wish this was easier...
I just hope and pray that this new job is everything I need it to be for me to justify leaving.
Instead I am left to wonder whether or not I did the right thing...I haven't felt this bad since Darren and I were on the rocks. The job itself is something I could live without. It was fun and I liked making coffee, but I could do other things. The thing that makes my stomach churn is leaving all of my coworkers behind...Amanda told me that I am her favorite and her "go-to" girl. I believe her. We are already short one person, and now because of me, its two. I wish desperately that I could work the two jobs and call it good, but it isn't a reality.
Amanda is going to give me massive amounts of crap for the next few days for quitting. I know this. But its okay. She's even going to get hammered on my behalf tonight...which makes me feel even worse.
Dammit I wish this was easier...
I just hope and pray that this new job is everything I need it to be for me to justify leaving.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
My Life in Review
For the first time, I understand why we were told to outline and brainstorm before writing essays. I'd like to think that when my life becomes busy, my brain organizes everything, whips it into a single file line and keeps it all in check. Unfortunately, I know that that is not the case. Instead, my head becomes like a bowl of rice noodles, sticky and utterly inseparable. All the ideas, thoughts, complications, and tasks pile onto one another and fight for air like so many fish in too small a pond.
So as I sat down to write several nights ago and not a single thing made its way to paper, I gave in. Fine Mr. Parsons...you win.
Forefront on my mind these last few days is simply the unexpected.
Almost a full year ago, I moved to Seattle. I had my heart set on working at a tea house or coffee shop, because it was something I had never done and seemed to be something I might enjoy. I gave my resume to several tea houses in the area, one being Teahouse Kuan Yin. The owner called me a week later and told me he was impressed with my cover letter and would love to have me on staff, but he had just hired two new employees. I continued my job search, ultimately ending up with my current job as a barista at Tully's. I mostly forgot about Teahouse Kuan Yin and moved on.
Almost four days ago, I received a phone call. It was the owner of Teahouse Kuan Yin, Marcus. At first I thought there was no way he would be calling me. There was no reason at all for it. But I answered the phone and it was him. Asking me if I was still looking for work. I said yes (which was a lie, because I already have more than I can handle), because if this could really work, I wanted it.
We scheduled an interview and he hired me no more than twenty minutes later. My first training shift was today. My second is tomorrow. I have two more on Thursday and Friday. If all goes well, I will be closing alone on Saturday.
When was it ever this easy? When does a year old resume ever land anyone the job they want? When does showing up to an interview and not trying get anyone a dollar an hour raise? Thus far, I am still shocked that things have unfolded the way they have.
I thought that I would be able to keep my job at Tully's and fit in some extra shifts here and there at Kuan Yin. Unfortunately, within a day it was clear that I was going to have to make a choice. Teahouse Kuan Yin or Tully's?
This is my dilemma: Tully's is short staffed as it is, and I know I am more valuable now than I have ever been there. It is a good job and I like all of my coworkers...but do I pass up this long awaited opportunity in the name of courtesy, or stay at Tully's simply to keep everyone else from suffering the loss of another employee?
After several days of tossing that thought around, and after my first day of training at Kuan Yin, the choice seems clear. Although it will be difficult to deliver the news to my manager, it would be a shame to waste my chance at the teahouse in the name of politeness.
This is a new chance to prove myself as capable and willing. It is difficult for me to develop a sense of self after so many years as a people pleaser, but now is as good a time as any. The door is wide open. I have to rise to the challenge.
Wish me luck.
(P.S. Thanks for keeping me accountable, Griff.)
So as I sat down to write several nights ago and not a single thing made its way to paper, I gave in. Fine Mr. Parsons...you win.
Forefront on my mind these last few days is simply the unexpected.
Almost a full year ago, I moved to Seattle. I had my heart set on working at a tea house or coffee shop, because it was something I had never done and seemed to be something I might enjoy. I gave my resume to several tea houses in the area, one being Teahouse Kuan Yin. The owner called me a week later and told me he was impressed with my cover letter and would love to have me on staff, but he had just hired two new employees. I continued my job search, ultimately ending up with my current job as a barista at Tully's. I mostly forgot about Teahouse Kuan Yin and moved on.
Almost four days ago, I received a phone call. It was the owner of Teahouse Kuan Yin, Marcus. At first I thought there was no way he would be calling me. There was no reason at all for it. But I answered the phone and it was him. Asking me if I was still looking for work. I said yes (which was a lie, because I already have more than I can handle), because if this could really work, I wanted it.
We scheduled an interview and he hired me no more than twenty minutes later. My first training shift was today. My second is tomorrow. I have two more on Thursday and Friday. If all goes well, I will be closing alone on Saturday.
When was it ever this easy? When does a year old resume ever land anyone the job they want? When does showing up to an interview and not trying get anyone a dollar an hour raise? Thus far, I am still shocked that things have unfolded the way they have.
I thought that I would be able to keep my job at Tully's and fit in some extra shifts here and there at Kuan Yin. Unfortunately, within a day it was clear that I was going to have to make a choice. Teahouse Kuan Yin or Tully's?
This is my dilemma: Tully's is short staffed as it is, and I know I am more valuable now than I have ever been there. It is a good job and I like all of my coworkers...but do I pass up this long awaited opportunity in the name of courtesy, or stay at Tully's simply to keep everyone else from suffering the loss of another employee?
After several days of tossing that thought around, and after my first day of training at Kuan Yin, the choice seems clear. Although it will be difficult to deliver the news to my manager, it would be a shame to waste my chance at the teahouse in the name of politeness.
This is a new chance to prove myself as capable and willing. It is difficult for me to develop a sense of self after so many years as a people pleaser, but now is as good a time as any. The door is wide open. I have to rise to the challenge.
Wish me luck.
(P.S. Thanks for keeping me accountable, Griff.)
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
08/24/2010
There's just not a whole lot to say today.
Except that all I want to listen to are seventies and eighties classics. Rush? YES. Cyndi Lauper? YES. Eurythmics? YES. Motorhead? YES.
For the last few days my head has been filled with things...mostly things that need to be done, not said. So until I can clear my head by accomplishing a few of the things I need to get done, I may not have a whole lot to say.
Except that all I want to listen to are seventies and eighties classics. Rush? YES. Cyndi Lauper? YES. Eurythmics? YES. Motorhead? YES.
For the last few days my head has been filled with things...mostly things that need to be done, not said. So until I can clear my head by accomplishing a few of the things I need to get done, I may not have a whole lot to say.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Life Thus Far
As the day crept by, it seemed less and less likely that I would coax some noteworthy thought from my mind. Thankfully, something has surfaced at the eleventh hour.
I sat in front of my computer at the kitchen table, caught again by the grasping hands of those who would wish to get in touch with me. Inevitably, any time I make myself slightly available, any time I open the door just enough to see sunlight, all the people who have not heard from me in whatever they consider to be "too long" come rushing forth, crowding what little space I can provide. Of course they never mean ill...what else can I expect when I only make myself available once in a blue moon? And I love to hear from everyone...I enjoy the companionship of my friends and family. But the difficult part comes in facilitating four conversations at once five hours from when I have to wake up for work...I shouldn't gripe. Its my own fault.
As my conversations came to an end and the opportunity to sleep could finally be seized, I set my alarm. Thankfully, mine is not the kind that makes horrible noises to force me into a state of disgruntled consciousness...it is the kind that lets me pick what I want to wake up to. Some mornings Monolith by CFCF is the best. Other mornings Untitled by Interpol is top of the list. But tonight, I know that my ears will want to hear Summer Skin by Deathcab for Cutie as the sun rises. Placing my Ipod on the proper song and then setting the alarm itself, the song triggered some sort of momentary lucidity, allowing me to remove myself for just long enough to really take in what I had made for myself.
Look what I have. Look what I have in this little room. Lying on the beige carpet is my nest; my wonderful creation made of thermarest and too many blankets, where I spent my first months as an independent seventeen year old. The big printer box just next to it is still what I call my "desk"; it is more like a nightstand, though, only ever home to my numerous hair clips, ties, and pins and the occasional book or tea cup. The big window that takes up the full length of one wall. The heater just below it that spans the same length of wall. Between the two, the entire wall becomes a huge expanse of unusable space, expect for drying my gi. There is the small wooden table, gifted to me by my cousin Margie and her husband Neale who were so kind to let me stay with them before I knew where I was going or what I was doing. On top of that is the printer from my "desk" that has jokingly become my small home office. It has printed few things that weren't somehow related to helping me get a job. Also from Margie and Neale is a wonderful wooden chair that sits in the corner between the printer and the heater. Lastly, there are the cubbies I built for myself to keep my clothes in. Target actually provided me with something useful.
Everything in my room, every last hair tie, power strip, cardboard box, and piece of clothing has something attached to it. It means something, and carries more weight than just its own.
Everything in my room, every last hair tie, power strip, cardboard box, and piece of clothing has something attached to it. It means something, and carries more weight than just its own.
In that one minute of removed observation I looked at myself and everything I have made since the time I got here eleven months ago. Though it is small and unimpressive, it is my greatest achievement yet.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Finally
It took me all day to come up with something. Anything, really. A lot of time has lapsed since I last wrote...but it has not been for lack of material. There is plenty in my head, but the undeveloped vastly outweigh the developed.
But, as I stood in front of my door, keys in one hand, Sprite in the other, it occurred to me in one fleeting moment how horribly addicted I am to sugar. And as I put the key in the lock and set my Sprite on the window ledge, I thought about how I had eaten almost nothing but sugar for two days straight in some effort to try and satisfy my craving for sugar. And for another moment I thought it was funny. Just quickly though, before I realized how much that actually meant. I try to watch how much crap I shovel into my mouth if only because I don't want diabetes when I get older. But occasionally I slip up and say "screw it. I'll eat well tomorrow. Today, I need to get my sugar fix." But at the end of the day, I am no more fulfilled than I was the day before...despite the fact that I doubled or tripled the amount of nasty crap ingested.
This conclusion, in a moment of rare clarity, brought me to the following conclusion:
Its like that with all addiction. You up the dosage to try and get your fill, try to kill the craving by having just enough. The problem is...enough is never enough. No matter how much more you indulge, you will always want more.
And so I realized that that summarizes my relationship with sugar. I will always want more, regardless of how much I eat so it is pointless to seek a "stopping point", a point at which I will be satisfied and no longer crave sugar. Instead, I need to have self restraint and discipline, realizing that eating more won't help.
Well, that all sounded a lot more philosophical in my head than it does written out. Damn.
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