1/13/2011

The more time I spend around people, the less I trust them. Before I moved to the city, I was sure that I didn't put too much trust in anyone. But now that I live in the city and see just how much trust I really did have in everyone. With each passing day, my faith in my fellow man deteriorates and when I look back on years past, I see how much my cynicism has grown.
Relating to people is harder than ever. Its ironic that my nature is to please everyone, yet I cannot relate to anyone. I realized today that I have no passions. I sat down with a stranger to have a cup of coffee and he asked me what my passions, pursuits, and hobbies are. My first thought was fleeting, but cemented a thought that I have been having quite a bit lately; the truth is that I have no passions. Some people are passionate about sustainability, or football, or painting. I am passionate about nothing. There is nothing that I dedicate my time and energy to without rest. And since I do not have any passions, it is hard to find things to talk about with anyone. I don't watch a lot of movies, play a lot of games, read the latest magazines, or even any books. So far, the most consistent thing I dedicate my time to is work. Not because I want to, but rather out of necessity. And I tell myself that I would be doing other, more important things with my time were it not for work, but really...all I would do is find reasons not to start anything. It seems to me that I don't believe in anything enough to pursue it.
And all of it boils down to the perceptions of others. In my effort to please everyone, I again please no one. Not even myself. So instead of pleasing some and being happy with myself, I choose to ruin everything for everyone. I often consider what my worst fear is, and if I had to reduce it down to just one thing, it would be failure. I am so terrified of failure that I cannot start anything. It is almost inevitable that at some point in learning how to do something new that I will fail at it, and my mind cannot handle that apparently.
So now I find myself at a point in life where I have completely stopped. I am not progressing or growing as a person, but rather standing still and letting life continue on with all its opportunities and possibilities.
Each morning I hope to wake up a better person, more prepared and more tolerant of myself, but each morning I wake up with more questions, less answers, and less time.

And again, I feel so distant from everyone lately that I can barely breathe. Why am I so replaceable? Why am I not important to anyone? Why is it that I push away the people who do think I am important? What is the secret recipe for communication that I am missing?
When everyone I know here can turn their back on me in a minute, how can I trust anyone? People constantly show me their colors and the more I see, the less I like. Yet I still want to get to know them. For me, people are irreplaceable. Each one is their own being and there will never be another like them. Sure, there are six billion people on the planet, but each one is someone different than the last. So to place such little value in the relationships presently in your life makes no sense to me. But perhaps I am not as interesting or as different as I like to think. Because it seems to me lately that I can be replaced by anyone at any time. Really, I am no more special to the people around me than a stranger they saw on a bus once. And so why trust anyone, why put any faith in anyone when I know that my days are numbered?
But my sentiments as of late are like a dog chasing its own tail. I am frustrated that I cannot relate to anyone, and so I withdraw, but withdrawing only makes it harder for people to want to get to know me.
But what the hell...
I don't even know anymore. I don't know why I think about these things anymore. They just make me sadder.